bzzzt!

I’m getting quite sick of the politics going on, of socialising, of trying very hard to be happy, of… most stuffs going on. Everything’s good, nothing major happened (yet) and i’m not expecting any hormonal fluctuations. So i’ve no idea why i’m feeling this way.

I just feel so tired of everything that has been going on, even though i’m not part of it. Witnessing all the small itty bitty stuffs happening, i want to space out and not think of anything.

Jaded. Cynical.

I’ve shrunk into this cocoon of insecurities; trying to kid myself that if, if i continue pretending that everything’s good, if i continue waking up at 7am everyday, going to school and ending school at 5pm, everything will be fine. Everything will fall to their designated places. Que sera sera.

Friends.
Love.
Studies.

The questions that come with it. The rage. Oh. The rage; impending, whirling, destructive. And blink, it’s gone. The emptiness that comes along with it, the throbbing numbing sensation one gets (and subsequently, ignores).

One foot forward. The other follows. And repeat. Repeat. The endless circles i’ve ran in, unknowingly / looking the other way all the while.

It’s shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often…too often…things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive… compulsive… out of control. It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else…fade away. The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit ’til you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us…sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

I’m going to stay in here. Tight and warm, with my insecurities, dim purple dreams of heather and lions and a land where you can eat all you want and never get fat. The long-needed detachment. From my facade, everyone else’s.

Not all stories have happy endings. Ok, i can’t think of any that doesn’t have a happy ending, but there’s bound to be.

So, what more life. Good things got to come to an end. It was good to begin with, i guess. But towards the end…

I know this’s a bit unfair, and maybe selfish. But for now, my view is fogged by the differences that are so apparent. Maybe this would be for the better of us.

My entries are getting too incoherent. I can’t breathe when i read through them. Eesh.

Anyway, i’ve got an infection in my left eye. Okok, i should not be so lazy and start rubbing my contact lenses everytime before i put them into the case. But yeah, i’ve got an infection in my left eye. And my left eye is so swollen now that it looks more like ._O instead of o_O. You can’t even see the whites of my left eyeball when i open my eyes.

(oh dear, all the while i’m typing about my eye infection, i keep thinking about getting the nike water bottle.)

Went to see the doctor last night and he gave me a course of antibiotics and a tube of ointment to put IN my eye. I love medicine that are encased in psychedelic coloured plastic casings (?). Anyway, the tube of ointment is screwed up, cuz whenever i open the cap, the semi-solid ointment would start oozing out without me pressing it. Sucha waste of ointment. Hmmph.

I hope the swelling goes down soon.

Was supposed to meet up with lek this morning, min and yi this afternoon; but i got to cancel cuz i woke up with my left eye swollen. =( And it’s tiring to study with one eye, cuz i kept writing my notes out of the line and … i don’t like it. But i finally finally managed to complete carbohydrate metabolism, after how many days? My speed is too slow. I’ve still got so many chapters to go! ARGH!

Breathe. In. Out. Breathe.

I’m still thinking of the nike water bottle…

I realised it is indeed tiring to juggle studies and relationship. At this stage, i guess i’m more independent of relationships. Priority wise, family and studies would triumph over relationship. Likewise with the time allocation. Friendship and relationship are of equal status as of now. Or rather, it has been that way since time began. Yessss, i’m not one to zhong se qing you ok? Haha. =p

*hooked on sexyback and gimme more.

What the hell. Where did my brain go to?

Dammit. My class is falling sick one by one, and now it’s my turn. Runny nose, dry cough will soon turn to thick viscous mucus and cough with lots of phlegm. And maybe a bonus - sore throat. *ah choo!

Lessons are moving a bit too fast for me. Starting not to understand the names of the arteries, veins and whatnots. The cadavers and hearts i seen yesterday all look the same to me! I can’t differentiate the coronary arteries from the pulmonary veins and the pulmonary trunk? What’s that man!? My classmates keep nodding their heads and going ‘ooooh! hmmm…’ whereas i’m like ‘zZz…’. Not sleeping, but totally sian-ed by always having to see where’s the ball going. Ok ok. I am going to start studying. Religiously.

Uni life is very different from jc life. =(

I miss s01.

And i haven’t drank bubble tea for two days.

I want to go out shopping.

I have nothing suitable to wear for saturday’s buffet night. Theme - seaside sling. What to wear!?

I think i’ve a date to go with on saturday.

I’m falling sick.

There’s nothing i hate more than nothing
Nothing keeps me up at night
I toss and turn over nothing
Nothing could cause a great big fight
-prozac nation

Motion continues in a straight line without any disturbance.

What happened?

Nothing.

What’s going on down here?

Nothing.

Nothing could make me feel everything.

Sadly, it is not only the force of gravity we get used to as we grow up. The world itself becomes a habit in no time at all. It seems as if in the process of growing up we lose the ability to wonder about the world.
-sophie’s world

Nothing can come out from nothing. And nothing that exists can become nothing. So there IS something going on. Could it ever dissolve into nothing? Or were what we had just an illusion?

I got used to you me i us we. I stopped wondering about it for a moment there.

I made the decision. I should not be questioning.

*****

*ho-hum. The decision was a flop. So status-quo has been reinstated. AHA.

If I were blue
would you be there for me
And whisper in my ears that’s okay
Would you stand by me
let me hold you tight
And say you love me one more time

If I feel good
would you slow dance with me
And touch my lips with tender love and care
Would you die for me
would you run with me
And never look back

Would you be there to love to be with me
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you’ll always be the one
to take my breath away
Would you be there..

if i am away
would you still think of me
and wish that you could hold me now
and would you die for me
would you run with me
all the way

Would you be there to save my soul tonight
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you’ll always be there
to kiss my pain away
would u be there..
for me…

*****

Would you?

Would i?

*****
[@9.49PM]

In a blink
It’s gone
A mirage

Why are you so selfish?
So cowardly?
So obstinate?

How could you keep quiet?
Look away?
Shut youself?

Why are you so cold?
So distant?
So proud?

How could you walk off?
Discard it?
Destroy it all?

Why are you,
the you in the mirror,
such a splitting image of me?

How could i be,
the one i see,
so unfamiliar; so… unchanged?

Why is it,
that the one i’m talking about,
How could it be,
the justine i know,
the one i thought i knew,
turn out to be such a stranger?

How could i?
Why am i?